Self Doubt

Ever since the events of last Friday, which to be completely honest most likely wouldn't amount to a hill of beans to anyone else but me, I've been suffering from a terrible case of self doubt. When I'm working, every time a call comes in, or the 'new e-mail' reminder pops up on my desktop, or someone stops by my cube, inevitably the first thought that races through my head is, "Oh no, what have I done wrong now?" As you can imagine, this is not the optimal way to be a happy and productive member of society. I'm constantly queasy, worrying what will happen next, and nervous about my perception among my peers. Confidence is the key to almost all aspects of life, and right now I'm going through a severe lack of confidence in my work.

It wasn't that long ago that I felt as if I produced a quality product, that my efforts and performance met a standard of quality acceptable for the company where I work. Unfortunately now, because of this doubt that eats away at me, I'm never sure if what I'm doing is good enough. It's pretty obvious, even to me as I try desperately not to wallow in self-pity, that something needs to be done to right the course of my career and confidence. But what? That's the million dollar question, and one that I wrestle with constantly these days, because I don't want to feel this way.

One of the biggest issues I deal with regarding my lack of confidence is insuring that it doesn't bleed over into the rest of my life. I have a wife and three amazing children who deserve a husband and father who is happy, upbeat and completely devoted to making sure their needs are met and that I'm supporting them in every possible way. That's a tall order when I feel essentially useless at work. Fortunately, I've had no problem coming home and helping out with the chores, chasing the twins around, and rocking my infant daughter to sleep every night. They are my solace, the oasis where I can be myself each evening. The unconditional love I feel and reciprocate every time I walk through the door is the motivation that allows me to get up each morning and face the prospect of 8+ hours of work.

Sorry for the 'pity party for one' and the general down nature of the blog these past few days, not to mention my absence. If you're still reading, thank you for your perseverance and know that the overall mood will lighten soon. Just being able to spend some time putting how I feel into words on the screen has been a cathartic experience, one that I hope will help me stay on the path to overcoming the start of mind that currently occupies my day. Soon I'll be back to the lighthearted discussion about video games and other silly topics that come to mind, but for now this blog can act as an amateur shrink. Until next time, thanks again and be safe...