Self Doubt

Ever since the events of last Friday, which to be completely honest most likely wouldn't amount to a hill of beans to anyone else but me, I've been suffering from a terrible case of self doubt. When I'm working, every time a call comes in, or the 'new e-mail' reminder pops up on my desktop, or someone stops by my cube, inevitably the first thought that races through my head is, "Oh no, what have I done wrong now?" As you can imagine, this is not the optimal way to be a happy and productive member of society. I'm constantly queasy, worrying what will happen next, and nervous about my perception among my peers. Confidence is the key to almost all aspects of life, and right now I'm going through a severe lack of confidence in my work.

It wasn't that long ago that I felt as if I produced a quality product, that my efforts and performance met a standard of quality acceptable for the company where I work. Unfortunately now, because of this doubt that eats away at me, I'm never sure if what I'm doing is good enough. It's pretty obvious, even to me as I try desperately not to wallow in self-pity, that something needs to be done to right the course of my career and confidence. But what? That's the million dollar question, and one that I wrestle with constantly these days, because I don't want to feel this way.

One of the biggest issues I deal with regarding my lack of confidence is insuring that it doesn't bleed over into the rest of my life. I have a wife and three amazing children who deserve a husband and father who is happy, upbeat and completely devoted to making sure their needs are met and that I'm supporting them in every possible way. That's a tall order when I feel essentially useless at work. Fortunately, I've had no problem coming home and helping out with the chores, chasing the twins around, and rocking my infant daughter to sleep every night. They are my solace, the oasis where I can be myself each evening. The unconditional love I feel and reciprocate every time I walk through the door is the motivation that allows me to get up each morning and face the prospect of 8+ hours of work.

Sorry for the 'pity party for one' and the general down nature of the blog these past few days, not to mention my absence. If you're still reading, thank you for your perseverance and know that the overall mood will lighten soon. Just being able to spend some time putting how I feel into words on the screen has been a cathartic experience, one that I hope will help me stay on the path to overcoming the start of mind that currently occupies my day. Soon I'll be back to the lighthearted discussion about video games and other silly topics that come to mind, but for now this blog can act as an amateur shrink. Until next time, thanks again and be safe...

Family Day

Last night I found it difficult to sleep as my mind started to process the events of the day. Once I was finally able to doze at around 12:30am, I was awakened at 4:30am by my son having a nightmare. After settling him back down, my mind started racing again, and I lay awake until 7am when I took the baby from my wife to let her get some rest. Holding my daughter on the couch downstairs before everyone was awake, I did my best to determine what I was going to do about the situation. There's more to come with this, and it all rests on my shoulders. In my mind, this is a 'put up or shut up' moment, and I intend to 'put up.'

The rest of the day was a lot of fun. Vowing to put everything else out of my mind, I concentrated on spending time with the family, to reaffirm why I go to work every day in the first place. There's nothing quite as amazing as the unconditional love of a young child, and anyone who's experienced it should agree with me. It doesn't matter what's going on outside the walls of this house, when I come home I'm Daddy. From the endless races in a circle around the first floor, to sharing breakfast together at the table, to getting a special hug just for being me, I feel like the greatest man on earth with my kids. They are the greatest things that could have ever happened to me and I can't thank them enough for their love and support.

On a much lighter note, I stole some time to finish up the main game component of Swords & Poker. Some of the spells available to you later in the game are completely crazy, such as the Chaos spell, which turns the 4 corner cards on the grid into wildcards. Using this spell I was able to generate a Royal Flush hand, and take off a full quarter of my opponent's health in one move. The downside is it opens up the same opportunity to your opponent. Regardless, as I mentioned before, this is a game that is well worth the cost if you own an iPhone.

Monkey Island

Judging from the discussions being held on podcasts and messageboards these days, I must be the only person to miss playing the Lucasarts games when they first came out. I did play Maniac Mansion, but only because it was on the NES. That was a game I really got into, from its strange story to quirky sense of humor, it was something that taxed my brain and tickled my funnybone at the same time. Hearing about how much everyone loves the recently released Secret of Monkey Island: SE, I decided that I'd jump in and test my adventure game abilities...

...Only to find out that I'm an idiot. It must be all the years of being spoonfed game content, or maybe it's because I have two young kids, a job, a wife, a house, etc. to worry about, but the puzzles that I think I could have figured out pretty quickly when I was 14 now involve me beating my head against a figurative brick wall until I give up and hit the hint button. I'd like to think that I'm starting to get back into the state of mind and thinking required to solve the later puzzles, but if my performance so far is any indication, I'm in for some trouble.

Don't get me wrong, the game is fantastic so far. I'm currently about 20% through the game, according to the handy dandy progress display on my latest save game. The writing is sharp, witty, and laugh-out-out funny, something that today's games (for the most part) lack, while the voice acting is spot on for the tone of the lines being conveyed. I just wish I could better grasp the puzzles without feeling like such a moron.

I'll continue to struggle with this game (which is a testament to its quality), and if I sense any improvement in my brain function, maybe I'll dive into the Telltale epsiodic experience, or possibly hunt down the older sequels to the original. I should ask my 18-month old twins to help me with it, as they probably would have more insight into these puzzles than me. :)

What DO I Do?

Today I had the opportunity to talk with a college sophomore who was spending time in our office, learning about what each of the different areas of our company really does. He was brought to my cube, we were introduced, and he sat down, waiting expectantly for me to impart my wisdom.

And then it hit me: What the hell do I do anyway? I like what I do, I think I do it pretty well, but for the life of me I couldn't explain to this young man what I do for a living. As I tried to explain to him what I do, I felt like Lawrence from Office Space explaining his job to the consultants. It sounded hollow and useless, and at that moment I wanted to curl up and cry.

Well, it wasn't quite that bad, but unlike Lawrence I don't have my very own "Jump to Conclusions Mat" to fall back on. :)