One of THOSE Days

Overall, today was not a bad day. The vast majority of what transpired was good to great. The kids were happy to see me when I came home, and I spent a fair amount of time chasing them around the house. The littlest daughter had some cozy time in my arms, as we chatted and wandered the first floor, trying to get her tired little eyes to close. For the most part, work was bearable and, considering this was my group's monthly meeting day, I even managed to be productive for most of the afternoon.

I'm not going to rehash it here, but I had a conversation with a person in another office that was incredibly disappointing. Even now, just thinking about it sends a fresh wave of depressing feelings over me. At some point I may talk about it in more depth, but as there's still a lot of personal sorting out of the actual meaning and ramifications of the conversation that needs to occur, I'll leave it at this brief mention.

One other upside from the day is that my wife and I watched Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog together tonight. I'll be the first to sheepishly admit that this was the first time I've seen it completely. For some reason, I watched the first act and part of the second, had to stop and just never went back. It was a thoroughly enjoyable and entertaining experience, and it's not hard to see why the Internet went crazy over it when it first hit the scene back in 2008. Neil Patrick Harris is incredible and truly steals the show, Felicia Day is perfect for her role, and Nathan Fillion plays the 'I'm a hero and a douchebag' to a T. The music and lyrics are fantastic, and even my wife (not immersed in the Internet culture) laughed all the way through. If you, like me, somehow missed this when it first made the rounds, you owe it to yourself to catch up now. You won't be disappointed.

As I'm working on this post, I have Beyond Good and Evil downloading and installing in the background. I've decided this will be the second game in the Game Project. This is a game I've heard nothing but great things about, but for some reason just haven't sat down to give it a try. I'll post my initial impressions after giving it a shot later tonight or over the weekend.

I should also mention that I finally worked my way through Mass Effect Galaxy on the iPhone. While the story was mildly interesting, the control and combat were a bit difficult to really get a feel for, and I never truly felt in control. The narrative was incredibly linear, but it did serve to introduce some characters and backstory for Mass Effect 2. All in all, I'm not disappointed that I spent the money for it ($1.99), and as an added bonus, I will log in with my EA.com account to get whatever special DLC is available for finishing the game.

That's all for tonight. The events of the day have left me a bit uninspired, so I'm off to find some good feelings and get my mind off everything. Take care and have a great Friday!

Birthday and Reflection

NaBloPoMo enters the homestretch, here on the 24th day of consecutive entries. This entry deals with the birthday party we had today and some of the thoughts brought up because of it.

Today was the celebration of our twins' second birthday. They were born on January 25th, 2008, the day that changed my life forever. Watching them this afternoon, tearing around the house with their older cousins, gave me pause to think just how much my life has gotten better since they came along. I've felt deeper emotions than I could have imagined possible, from intense love and pride to fear and sadness. There's a very good chance that all parents will say the same thing, and for those without children it's a phenomenon that can't be explained with words alone. Of course, since this is a blog, I'm going to try.

Both of the stories involve my son, as one is very traumatic and happened to him, while the other (happier) story occurred just yesterday between the two of us. His twin sister, with her energy, intellect and personality, could be and will be the focus of another post in the future, and my youngest daughter is in the formative stages of showing us her personality. For now, the spotlight is on Nick. When Nick was less than a year old, he and his mom took a fall off some very steep steps in the front of his uncle's house. I wasn't there at the time, and received a hysterical call from my wife, asking me through sobs what to do. Her sister-in-law got everyone to the emergency room, as I raced from work down the highway to get to them. Fortunately, everyone came through fine, with poor Nick suffering only from some bruises, and my wife suffering more emotionally than physically. The part that sticks out from my perspective is the hour or so between when I took the call and when I joined them in the emergency room. No shortage of awful imagery and horrible thoughts raced through my head, and didn't stop until I had everyone in my arms and knew they were ok. I wasn't prepared for the fear and feeling of utter helplessness I experienced that day, knowing that there was nothing I could do to help him or protect him at that time.

The far happier story I can relay is that yesterday I took Nick with me to get our hair cut. This wouldn't be the first time he's had his hair cut, but the trips had been fraught with yelling, crying and other dramatic histrionics. To say he didn't enjoy the process would be an understatement. Since I was far overdue to get my own mop trimmed, he and I set out together to the local shop where I've been going to try a different approach. I set Nick up on the bench behind the barber chair I was assigned, complete with his little cars, and settled in for my cut. Every couple of minutes, I would look back to him and ask how things were going and make sure he was watching daddy get his hair cut. Once I was finished, I talked with the very nice girl who did my hair, Cassie, to see if she would be willing to try to cut Nick's hair and if she had any suggestions on how to proceed. We settled on having him sit in my lap while she knelt down and trimmed his hair. At first, he was a bit nervous and wanted to hop out of my lap, but after a bit of soft talking and convincing him everything would be alright, he stopped fidgeting and let Cassie cut his hair. After all of the antics that had accompanied the previous attempts, I can't begin to describe how proud I was of 'my little man' as he sat patiently while the hair floated down around him. In the end, we both ended up with great haircuts, a chocolate doughnut and (I hope) a routine we can continue together in the future, as a chance for some special 'father-son time.'

Today, as my kids tore around the house, I couldn't help but think of the journey to get where we are today, and realized that I wouldn't trade those memories for all the money in the world. The love and pride I have for all my children knows no bounds, and it's something I never would have experienced if I hadn't been blessed with them in my life.

A Moment of Peace

For the 21st consecutive day of posting an entry to my blog, in honor of NaBloPoMo, I take just a moment to breathe.

One morning, I looked out the window of the home where I'm staying this week, and this was the sight that greeted me:


A beautiful winter landscape stretched out before me. The sky was overcast, the air was thick with falling snow, and a silence hung over everything. In all of my frantic running around, taking care of children, working to put food on the table, and enjoying the wonders technology has to offer, I had forgotten what quiet really is. Looking out over the newly-fallen snow, I took a deep breath and soaked in the scene.

This picture now serves as the wallpaper on my work laptop, in the hopes that when things are at their most frantic, when I feel like my head is going to explode, I can look at the picture and try to recapture in my head the feeling of peace that engulfed me on that day. It may only be a pipe dream, but if it can help me just once through a day or period of chaos, then it will have all been worth it.

I'll end tonight with a quote that struck me today, found on the Answers.Com Twitter account...

"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it." - Maya Angelou

Not Sure What to Call This One

On this, the 19th day of NaBloPoMo, I may have finally run out of things to talk about. A bit of exhausted exposition later, and the streak is still alive.

Today was not a banner day. Work went well, as I tried to implement some of the resolutions discussed in this post. The drive home did not go so well. The office where I'm working this week is about 85 miles from my folks' house, so it's a bit of a drive anyway, but this evening brought snow that made the roads downright treacherous. I fishtailed twice on the ride home, which took almost double the usual time. After crossing the center line (twice) and ending up in a school bus turnout on the side of a rural road, I began to think that someone must be watching over me. If anyone had been approaching from the opposite direction or following me when it occurred, my NaBloPoMo streak would have been over That's something I don't want to think about.

As awful as the ride home was, everything suddenly became much more bearable upon arriving at my destination, because my son was at the door waiting for me. Both he and his sister were still up, hoping to see Daddy before going to bed. It never ceases to warm my heart and bring a smile to my face to have them light up and run over to greet me when coming home from work. Just this simple act of unconditional love and excitement can bring clarity and truly underline exactly what matters in this life. It certainly isn't electronics, or work, or money, or any of a million other trivial, material things. The fact that my family loves me, and have such a wonderful way of expressing it, keeps me going. For anyone without children, there's no way to accurately convey that feeling of love, happiness, joy and peace when your children are happy and safe, but I surely wish I could.

Today's entry was not earth-shattering or particularly exciting, but I hope someone can relate to it. Leave me a comment if this strikes a chord with you. Until tomorrow, be safe out there!

Gaming Anxiety

The title of this post isn't a life threatening condition, or an ailment that can be diagnosed, but simply a description of a feeling I've experienced a lot. The best way I can describe the condition is 'the buildup of intense feelings (pressure, dread, trepidation) experienced during a session of playing video games.' Trying to come up with the best way of fleshing out this idea led me to describe it using anecdotes from my own personal experience, which I'll share now.

One of the first times I truly experienced gaming anxiety was while playing through Bioshock. In this case, I think there were a multitude of factors that combined to create this particular version of gaming anxiety: the combination of the macabre setting and narrative; the mix of psychological 'terror' (i.e. hearing movements or voices somewhere, but not knowing when the owner of the voice would try to end my life) and 'jump you in your seat' scares; my relative inexperience with the FPS genre, creating real tension as I learned the controls; the fact I played the vast majority of the game at night in a poorly lit basement on a large TV with good surround sound. All of these contributed to the fact that I couldn't play this game for long stretches before my nerves would feel raw and frayed, I would be jumping at the slightest noise, from the game or within the house, and I would feel genuinely overwhelmed and shut the game off. It wouldn't be until the next day that I could start another play session, after all the perceived dread and excess adrenaline had drained away.

A second, and rather intense, case of gamer anxiety came about because of my desire to play through Half-Life 2. In particular, I vividly remember having a lot of trouble playing through the Ravenholm section of the game. The well-crafted atmosphere of the game, in addition to the enemy encounters and multiple 'jump in your seat' moments made it particularly difficult for me to deal with this part of the game. After that, I was always on the edge of my seat, waiting for the 'jump' moment in the excellent guided experience that Valve created, which added to the overall tension. Reflecting on this particular setting after completing the game, I did realize that it was one of my favorite segments, regardless of how I felt while experiencing it.

The next time I remember experiencing gaming anxiety came during my experiences with Fallout 3. In this case, the feeling of hopelessness, isolation and despair created by the good folks at Bethesda really got me thinking, with the added condition that my play sessions always occurred at night in the dimly light corner of the basement, adding to the overall ambiance of the situation. After an hour or two of adventuring, exploring old buildings and being jumped multiple times by enemies hidden around corners, all the while soaking in the atmosphere of the environment, I would have to stop playing and purge that experience with some lighter fare. Often I would need to read a book, watch something on TV or simply have a conversation with my wife, all of which needed to be about a lighter topic than what I'd been dealing with in the game. There were some nights when I wouldn't properly decompress after a game session, and those nights were often plagued by dark dreams or fitful sleep.

The latest experience I've had with gamer anxiety comes in the form of Borderlands. In this case, my lack of FPS skills combined with the game's atmosphere seem to be the biggest contributor to the intensity of the feelings I have after the game has been turned off. In fact, last night was a night where I didn't sleep that well, mostly because I didn't properly decompress after an almost 2 hour game session. That experience was the genesis for this post.

Not all games affect me in this manner. During a period in my life when I had far more free time, countless hours were spent playing round after round of golf in Tiger Woods PGA Tour '04 and '05 on the XBox and PS2. As a kid I could wile away entire days on NES games like Romance of the Three Kingdoms or Wizardry. I couldn't even begin to account for the time I spent playing the original Everquest, first in '99 - '00, and then later in '03 - '04. Nowadays, though, whenever I try to play a game with intense narrative and/or setting, or (more often) involving the first-person perspective, I succumb to the buildup of tension and anxiety and feel the need to step away for a bit and decompress.

Has anyone else experienced this? A cursory search on the internet provided no other relevant material, but if you're out there and have dealt with anything such as this, your comments, experiences, thoughts or observations are more than welcome.