Sunday Thoughts

Day 10 of NaBloPoMo! Unbelievably, especially to me, the streak is still alive and kicking, although today's post was difficult to come up with. Sundays, as they are usually wont to be, do not provide many blogworthy topics, so I dug a bit deeper for this one. The thought, as many of those I have, started down one path and went in a direction I couldn't have foreseen. Hope you enjoy it.

I'm not quite sure when it first happened, or how many times afterward it occurred. At some point in my childhood, probably when denied the opportunity to do something that I wanted to, or didn't have the money to buy something I just couldn't live without, my young self thought, "Boy, I can't wait until I'm able to buy whatever I want and do whatever I want, without having to ask anyone!" Now, this wasn't a thought unique to me. It's quite possible that every young person thinks this thought, or some variation thereon, during their formative years. It refers to that mythical time in their lives when the stars align and they can do whatever they want, whenever they want.

At some point in my own life, this might have been a reality. My soon-to-be wife and I did live together in relatively modest accommodations for a time, both earning professional salaries, prior to being saddled with the debts we now struggle to pay. There were no sleepless nights making sure our children got to sleep, no mortgages (or second mortgages) to pay, no fears that we aren't doing the right thing to raise our kids. Not to sound cliche, but life really was simpler then. The big problem with that situation is this: we didn't know it! If I could go back 10 years and tell the younger version of me anything, it would be to appreciate those times and not to take them for granted, because they would soon change, and never be the same again.

Let me be clear on this one point: I wouldn't trade my life for anything, because I'm proud of what we've accomplished as a family. It's just that I would want to impress upon my earlier self to not waste a second of freedom, and to enjoy those freedoms of youth and careless abandon, to the fullest. There are so many things I now realize that I thought about doing, but never did simply because I always thought there would be time later. The earlier me could never have come to grips with the amount of responsibility, worry, joy, concern, fear, doubt, and love that having children would bring. Even as I struggle to be an individual, and maintain my own hobbies and interests, it's clear that those come second to the needs of my children and family. The moment those beautiful little creatures sleeping above me in their cribs and bassinet took their first breaths, my purpose in life became one of protecting, nurturing, teaching and guiding those little souls, simply to have the opportunity to be the best people they can be. That awesome responsibility is something I wasn't prepared for, and couldn't honestly fathom until it was thrust upon me.

Going back to my very young self and the wish for unlimited money and freedom, I'm sorry to say that it really didn't happen, and if it did, I guess I blinked and missed it. What I can say is that I have something far better. I have the unconditional love and adoration of small children. Even now, I'm stunned by the fact that my kids think I walk on water, and it will hopefully be some time before they realize I can't. By my estimation, that's worth trading unlimited freedom for any day.